just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
