oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
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