If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
