ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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