I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
