i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You smell like stripper and shame
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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