listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
