my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
