after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
