at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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