youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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