So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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