I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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