walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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