Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
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