you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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