I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
