i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
