I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
