Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
