Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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