'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
