Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
