A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
