Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
FUCK WHALES
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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