Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
