you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
