She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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