i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Randomize
