her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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