Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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