i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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