Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize