Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize
