Michael Bay diarrhea
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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