ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
