2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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