If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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