you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
