I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
