Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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