Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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