i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My bed smells like the plague
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
