he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize