He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
