so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
