You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
