when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
