I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
