..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
