R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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