I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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