i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
