My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
