Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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