I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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