dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
