Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
