I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
