Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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