tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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