apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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