Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
