I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize