Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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