I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
