You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
