They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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