you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize